The 5 Steps For Overcoming Your Fear of Conflict


The bad news: Leadership is conflictual! 

To be a great leader you must become a C.R.O (Chief Relationship Officer) and that means becoming a master at dealing with conflict. (However, that conflict doesn't have to be nasty)

It is estimated that conflict in the workplace cost US employers over a billion dollars every year. Therefore, with the right training, it's the single most preventable cause of lost revenue.

However, there is an even higher cost of avoiding conflict in that your people will be walking around carrying resentment and frustration that keeps them walled off. These walls will in turn crushes both innovation and morale, not only in that individual but everyone they work with. Your corporate culture is the life blood of your organization and not dealing with conflict will turn that blood toxic.

Bottom line: you and your organization cannot afford unhealthy conflict or for that matter the equally unhealthy avoidance of conflict. 

When you look back over your life, you know as well as I do: Fear of conflict ends up being far more destructive than actually dealing with conflict.  Because, what we don't deal with not only eats at us, it eats away at our relationships.

Whether we like it or not; conflict is a part of life, therefore unavoidable. However, whether we deal with it in an unhealthy and destructive, or healthy and empowering way is our choice.

You and I, no matter how put together we like to appear, will experience feelings of frustration and angry. Dealing with that frustration and anger means dealing with conflict and for many people even the idea of conflict can trigger a cold sweat, dry mouth and the desire to take up running….in the other direction.

Maybe you are wondering what you can do to overcome your fear of conflict?

Here's 5 simple steps for over coming your fear of conflict:

1. Own Your Humanity!

Admit to yourself and everyone you deal with that you are not perfect, therefore because you are human certain things just get under your skin and even piss you off.  All too often we want to repress our frustration in order to protect our image. Here's the news: No one trusts a person who is perpetually calm.  If you are always holding the image of calm, cool and collected I can assure you that behind your back people are waiting for the moment when you explode.

2. Recognize that It's Not Personal.

I know there are some nasty folks out there however, the fact is, most people are not outright vindictive. Therefore, whatever it is that they did/said to or about you, there's a very good chance that it wasn't personal. In all likelihood whatever is was that they did was done out of a reaction to something that has at best very little to do with you, (also known as their own shit projected onto you)

3. Like Your Momma Taught You; “Take a Breath and Count to 10.” 

Do your best to not be reactive, is easier said than done.  So. when you feel your frustration and anger bubbling up, let it out…but in a none violent way.  Take some time out and write in your journal. By write in your journal I mean puck out every nasty venomous thought or fantasy onto paper. That way when you feel upset and a desire to just lash out, or for that matter stuff it down so deep we can tell yourself it doesn't exist, you have an impotent release.  Giving yourself permission to write out all of those venomous things that are recycling in your mind out will create the mental space for you to move on. Better on paper than in your head (or in the ears of another).

4. Not Every Behaviour Represents The Person… Be a Good Parent!

Imagine that your child does something that upsets you. You can be a “bad parent” and tell your child that “they” are bad. Or you can be a “good parent” and point out what's good/great about your child, while being clear that you find a particular behaviour unacceptable.

Despite the fact that we may briefly feel better by venting our venom, there's a pretty good chance that the cost of that momentary relief will be very high.

Try this far more emotional intelligent response: Start your communication with one or two things you like about this person, “You are so great at dealing with… however, I'm really struggling to understand why you would do/say… , I would like to understand what is/was going on for you. Can we talk about it, and see if we can come up with a mutually beneficial solution?” Directing your frustration at the behaviour rather than the individual helps reduce the other persons need to be defensive, and creates the space for authentic accountability.

Last but not least…

5. Know Thy Self! As stated it's not personal!  What that means here is, if you are taking “it” personally, there's something for you to self examine. What is it about what this person said or did that reminds you of something from your own history that still needs to be resolved.

Self knowledge is the foundation of Full Monty Leadership and true Emotional Intelligence. With increased levels of self knowledge you are much less likely to be triggered. Furthermore,  developing a corporate culture that encourages self knowledge and self awareness is another powerful way to create a team who are tightly bonded.

Okay, time for action!  Take out a note pad and write down 3 or 4 people that you are carrying frustration about. Pick the one you think it would be easiest to walk through these 5 steps with, and go do it!  having dealt with the first your confidence will grow enough to deal with the next and so on.

P.S. If you believe this is an important message, tell us why and feel free to share!

I created the Authentic Leadership Matrix after a lot of experience and research. One of the questions I'm asked often is what authentic leadership is and how do we define it. As a result, I created the matrix. It splits what leadership is into five separate categories. So, that you can take a clear look at how you perform in each of the five main areas that are required for you to become a world class authentic leader. The process takes you through each category simply with yes or no questions:

Dov Baron, Authentic Leadership expert, want to offer you his Authentic Leadership Matrix, free with this link by clicking here
Dov Baron, Authentic Leadership expert, wants to offer you his Authentic Leadership Matrix, free with this link
One of Inc. Magazine’s Top 100 Leadership Speakers to hire, Dov Baron is a leadership advisor to the United Nations (UN), a bestselling author, the world’s only Corporate Cultural Momentum Strategist, and a top-ranking podcast host. He is also the leading authority on Authentic Leadership, and Leadership Succession or, as he prefers to call it, “Full Monty Leadership.” Try his Authentic Leadership Matrix for free: