
There’s a constant stream of pressure on leaders to show the “right” emotions. Leaders are expected to project confidence, optimism, and enthusiasm. That’s why this recent interview with Jeff Bezos was so refreshing. A journalist asked Bezos if he feels that he always has to project confidence at work. In response, Bezos dove into a kind of reflection on the value of showing other feelings, especially “negative” ones like sadness, fear, and anxiety.
“Especially with my own family and my close relationships…I realize, like, I’m not really being intimate with them if I’m not sharing when I’m sad, or sharing when I’m scared, or these kinds of things,” Bezos explained. “And so I started working on that with them and found it very meaningful. I could deepen those relationships very significantly. And then I realized those were valid emotions at work too.” Bezos’ realization is one we can all learn a lot from (and emulate).
Vulnerability Builds Trust & Intimacy
What Bezos is pointing out is that vulnerability is an essential ingredient of trust. To build real trust, to build real intimacy, you have to be willing to get vulnerable. As the poet and philosopher David Whyte writes in Consolations II, “Intimacy is presence magnified by our vulnerability.” For this reason, people naturally gravitate toward people who are vulnerable. That vulnerability sparks closeness and connection.
It’s strange then that we gravitate toward those who get vulnerable, but naturally fear getting vulnerable with others. Psychologist Brené Brown calls this the “vulnerability paradox,” the idea that vulnerability is “the first thing I look for in you and the last thing I want you to see in me.”
So why do we struggle to get vulnerable? First, workplace norms have labeled vulnerability as a kind of taboo, connecting it to labels like “weak,” “over-sharing,” and “touchy-feely.” Secondly, getting vulnerable is anxiety-inducing.
These sound like two separate reasons we shirk vulnerability, but in reality they point to the same problem: Fear of pulling aside your mask and getting rejected. Whyte writes about this effect, saying that anxiety about getting vulnerable is “a protection against real intimacy, real friendship, and real engagement.”
Bezos Tunes into His Emotions for Proactive Productivity
In the same interview, Bezos also shared how he’s been tuning into his emotions with greater care. He finds that this increased emotional awareness enables him to be more effective in his work. “All of your emotions are sort of an early warning system,” he pointed out. “You know, if you’re stressed, for me, that’s a kind of an early radar that is detecting that there’s something I’m not taking action on. It’s an important indicator.”
By treating his emotions as indicators, Bezos is able to use those emotions in a more constructive manner. “It turns out if you’re channeling all of your negative emotions into frustration or anger or something like that, you’re not being very precise,” he explained. “It’s much better now. Like, I’ll have a meeting and listen for a while, and when it’s my turn to talk, I’ll say I’m scared. And that’s more effective.”
Rather than express a steady stream of confidence regardless of the situation, Bezos flexes his treatment of his emotions to match the situation. In the example just shared, he willingly gets vulnerable, letting the people around him know that he’s scared. You can speculate that Bezos sharing his fear so openly communicates the gravity of the situation and shows the people around him that they’re not alone in their fear.
As the psychologist Adam Grant writes, “Emotion regulation is not about ignoring or suppressing feelings. It’s about reflecting before reacting. Emotions are clues to values and interests. They should inform decisions, not dictate them.”

The Key to Leaning into Your Emotions at Work? Emotional Intelligence
Both of Bezos’ commitments—to get more vulnerable as a leader and to tune into his emotions—are a matter of emotional intelligence (EQ). EQ can be defined as your ability to recognize, understand, and manage your emotions in order to be more effective in your work and in your relationships. Importantly, EQ is a skillset, not a fixed trait. That means your EQ is something you can grow with practice. Like a muscle, the more you train it, the stronger and more limber you’ll become.
You can treat Bezos’ comments as a jumping-off point for your own emotional intelligence growth. Practice identifying your emotions in a thoughtful way (consider them indicators of how you might want to act), and consider situations where you can be more vulnerable and open—both at home and at work.